What Makes You Happy?
by bigred08
Summary: [RayNeela] Ray comes home to find Neela doing something that requires explanation.
1. Caught

**Disclaimer**: same ol', same ol'…I don't own ER or any part or character of it. The people mentioned as Ray's friends in future chapters I did make up, except Brett.  
**Rating**: M (graphic self-injury, a lot of strong language)  
**Spoilers**: None  
**Content Warning**: Graphic self-injury. A lot of swearing.  
**A/N**: It's another dark one from me…sorry...what can I say? I'm a dark person…this story has a lot of the same themes/ideas/concepts as a few of my other ones. I don't really intend for them to go together. AU. It's kinda sad but will end well. The rating is mostly for Chapter 1. It gets tamer after that.

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**Caught**

Ray looked at the clock when he walked into the apartment. 4:55 AM. He groaned. He hated working this shift during this time of year. It always seemed there was a huge influx of people 20 minutes before he was going to leave. Things would keep coming up, until he was arriving home nearly four hours after his shift was supposed to have ended. He shook the snow off his jacket and hung it on the back of a chair. If it hadn't been for his last patient—the kid who threw up on him, or the mysterious sticky substance on the banister, he would have gone straight to bed. Unfortunately, he had to shower. First he went to the kitchen sink, washing his hands and splashing cold water on his face, hoping that would be enough to keep him awake long enough to shower. He dropped his stuff in his room and went to the bathroom. The light was on, and the door was mostly shut. He figured Neela had left the light on by accident. _Why would she be up this late? Or should I say this early?_ He pushed open the door.

"Hey!" Neela gasped. She was sitting on the edge of the tub, one foot propped up on the opposite knee. She was fully clothed, and dry—she hadn't just showered. "Get out!"

"Sorry," answered a very confused Ray. He took a step back. "I didn't think you'd be up at this hour." He was about to turn around and leave, when the blood running down her propped up leg caught his eye. It dripped onto the linoleum floor. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Get out! Now!"

"Are you ok?" There was a syringe and bottle of something, Lidocaine, he guessed, on the counter. Next to that was a scalpel. All three things had her bloody fingerprints on them.

"Does it sound like I am asking for help? No! Get the fuck out of here," she shouted at him. Pieces of the situation were slowly coming together.

"What happened to you?"

"Out! Get the fuck out, Ray! What part don't you get?" He noticed she wasn't standing to close the door or push him out. He looked at her hands. They were both occupied, holding hemostats, one with the suture needle, the other empty. Scissors, the finger holes also stained with her blood, lay on her thigh.

"But…No…You…" he kept starting sentences, and then not knowing what he was asking, start a new one. He was exhausted. He wasn't even sure what he was seeing was real.

"Goddamnit, Ray! Leave!"

"I can't. I…You've got to tell me what's going on…"

"_I_ don't have to do anything. _You_ need to leave."

"Umm, no, morally, I can't."

"Then shut the fuck up, and let me fucking finish what I am trying to do."

"Neela! What happened?"

"Jesus Christ, Ray, I cut myself on something."

"On, or with?" He eyed the scalpel. She didn't answer him, tied off a stitch, and cut the thread. "Neela?" She started another stitch. It took some time because her hands were shaking slightly. Even the slightest tremble can make it hard to correctly place a suture. "Neela!" She still ignored him, removing the needle to restart the misplaced stitch. "Damnit, Neela. Give them to me." He gave her about two seconds to comply before he started to pull one of the hemostats out of her fingers. She handed him the other tool. He quickly tied off three more stitches on the gash on her calf. After he cut the thread on the final stitch, he tossed the hemostats, with the needle locked in one, and the scissors on the counter.

"Please leave now." Neela was finally speaking at a normal volume.

"No," Ray answered simply.

"It wasn't a question. Get out." She started to raise her voice again.

"No," he repeated. "None of this suggests that I should leave you right now."

"I am _telling_ you," she shouted.

"Neela, you probably can't even stand right now, let alone walk back to your room. And I want to shower."

"Fuck you." She took some toilet paper, and soaked up the blood that had not yet dried on her leg. She tossed it in the trash basket. She slapped Ray's hand away when he tried to help. "And yes I can stand, and walk. I haven't had any trouble the past few days at work, even with this one." She twisted her opposite leg to show another sutured cut.

"Jesus, Neela."

"Obviously, I can take care of myself!" She threw more pieces of blood soaked toilet paper in the garbage, and stood up. She held onto the edge of the counter for a few moments.

"Look at what you're doing! No, you _obviously can't_."

"Move." Ray was standing in the doorway.

"No."

"Do you want me to get stuff to clean this up?" she threw her hand in the direction of the blood on the floor.

"No. I want you to tell me what the fuck is going on!"

"No!"

"Then we'll stand here all day. I'm not moving until you tell me."

"Come on, Ray. I'm 28 years old, I can take care of myself!"

"Maybe you can, but this," he motioned around the room, and to her leg, "is not ok. That is not taking care of yourself."

"Fine. I cut myself. Is that what you want to hear? I used a scalpel on myself."

"No, it's not what I _want_ to hear, but if that's the truth…" his voice trailed off.

"Yes, it's the fucking truth! Now move." She tried to push him to the side. He didn't move. "The longer you wait, the harder it is to clean this up, so I would appreciate it if you would _move_."

"Go to bed." He stepped to the side. "I'll deal with this. You go to bed." She opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off. "Neela, it's five o'clock in the fucking morning, please don't start with me."

"Fine. Fine, I'll take my things and I'll leave." She turned to pick up the tools Ray had tossed onto the counter.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." He stepped forward to slap her hand away.

"They're mine!" Unfortunately, she had already picked up the hemostat that had the needle locked in it. The needle pierced his palm as he tried to hit her hand away. Her hand froze.

"Ow, shit." He gently pulled the needle from his hand. He looked at him, sheepishly, implying she was sorry, but not saying it. "You're unbelievable. Go. Go to bed." She didn't go right away, so he added, "now."

"Fuck you, Ray, I'm going." She left the room with, much to his surprise, only the very slightest limp. She slammed her door hard enough that he heard it bounce back open. He sighed, and returned to the kitchen. There were some Clorox wipes under the sink.

"These will have to do for now," he mumbled to himself. After wiping up the floor and sink, Ray took a very brief shower. He brushed his teeth, then plugged the sink and filled it with water to let the scalpel and hemostats soak. Either he or Neela would deal with them later. He went to his room to get dressed. He pulled on a pair of boxers and threw his towel over his shoulder. On his way back to the bathroom to hang up his towel, he paused at his roommate's room. He leaned on the doorframe, just looking at her, wondering, among other things, what could have possibly been going through her mind to make her do such a thing. _How could I have not noticed the other one? Are there more?_

"Is there something you need?" Her voice startled him out of his train of thought, and he jumped.

"No, I was just…" his voice trailed off. _What _was _I doing?_

"Just?"

"Umm, just…just looking at you."

"Ok…well you can leave now, and shut my fucking door."

"I didn't open your door—" She cut him off.

"I know that."

"I just thought I'd tell you…" he started to defend himself, then decided to drop it. "Good night." He slowly pulled her door shut.

"Night." Her voice caught, trying to hold back tears. He pushed her door open again.

"Neela?"

"What?" She shouted, exasperated, no longer restraining her tears, which now freely fell down her face.

"Will you talk to me tomorrow? About this." His voice was very soft, caring, but also slightly frightened. She didn't answer him. "Neela?" When she still remained quiet, he walked over to her bed. She was lying on her side, had obviously heard him, and was consciously not answering. She looked at him, and much to his surprise she even held eye contact. "Will you?" He reached down and pushed some hair that had fallen on her forehead. She still didn't answer. He sighed and turned to leave. She caught his hand, so he stopped and turned back to her.

"Can you stay?"

"What, like until you fall asleep? 'Cause I'll probably—" she interrupted him.

"No, like stay…here."

"Uhh." She moved herself away from him on the bed. "Like, here?" He pointed to the spot where she had been lying. She nodded. He hesitated.

"Or not," she averted her gaze, slightly embarrassed.

"No," he answered, realizing how she must have understood his pause, he clarified, "I mean yeah, I'll stay." He draped his towel over the corner of her door, and then got into her bed. He lay on his side, facing her.

"Thank you," the words barely came out of her mouth. If he hadn't seen her lips move, he may not have even realized she said something to him. He smiled.

"Good night." This time it was her turn to smile, albeit a weak and sad smile. He fell asleep very quickly. He ended up lying on his stomach, with the arm closer to Neela spread out to the side. Before Neela let herself go to sleep, she lifted his arm, and tucked herself under it. He instinctively pulled her body a little bit closer. Very quietly, Neela cried herself to sleep.

Neither of them moved much in the night, and when Ray woke up, his arm was still around Neela. He didn't remember putting his arm around her like that, but he didn't want to move. He watched her for several minutes as she slept.

"You're beautiful," he whispered, knowing she couldn't hear him.

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R.E.V.I.E.W.S. --**R**eally **E**very** V**iew **I**ncludes **E**xtremely **W**orthy **S**tatements  



	2. Details and Explanation

**Details and Explanation**

Still the same disclaimer…

A/N: many thanks to my reviewers!

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"How long have you been up?" she mumbled when she woke up. 

"A little while." He looked over at her and smiled.

"And you've just been lying there?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Lying here and thinking." She turned so she was lying on her back, and his arm lay over her stomach. He expected she would object, and contemplated whether he should move or not. She made the decision for him, when she wove her fingers with his. She lifted their hands, noting the sharp contrast between their skin colors. She played with their intertwined hands, twisting her wrist, forcing him to turn his, just feeling his hand in her own. When she turned them in such a way that she could see his palm, she noticed where the needle had punctured him early that morning. It was red and looked like it hurt. With her other hand, she drew her fingers across the wound. She turned her head to look at him. He was looking at their hands, displaying no obvious emotion.

"Sorry," she whispered. He shrugged.

"It doesn't really hurt."

"Not just about that." She paused. "About everything."

"It scared me, Neela," he answered, his concern evident.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." He turned onto his side, facing her. "Just don't do it." She sighed.

"I can't not do it."

"Yes you can."

"No, Ray, I can't," she responded in a raised voice. She dropped his hand and sat up.

"It might be hard, but yes, you can." She sighed again, seeing the validity of his point, though not wanting to admit it and still not really believing it anyway. "Can I see?" Her answer came in the form of pulling her legs out from under the covers. She turned so she was sitting, facing him. He pushed himself up to a sitting position. There was still a trail of dried blood down one of her calves. She could see the pained look in his face when he saw it.

"There's that one, obviously," she pointed to one. There were four uneven stitches done by her own hand, followed by three tight and neat ones, which Ray had done. He ran his fingers over it. The skin was still hot, and irritated. "And this one," she moved to expose the calf of her other leg. He drew his fingers across that one as well. "And here." She lifted her shorts a few inches so he could see the cut on her thigh. She paused as his fingers ran over her skin. "I actually need to take them out," she reminded herself. "And this one." She rotated her leg to show another gash on her calf. It was mostly healed, and didn't have any stitches, though there were small cuts around it, almost like paper cuts. He looked at her questioningly, as he dragged his thumb over this one. "My hand kept shaking when I took the stitches out last night." He nodded in understanding; it didn't take much force or pressure to nick yourself with surgical scissors. They were sharp.

"That, uhh, first one should probably get cleaned up some," he said hesitantly, looking up at her.

"It's fine, I—"

"There is no way you are going to win this argument. It's not fine, Neela." He was frustrated, not so much at her, but with the whole situation in general. She didn't respond. "Stay here," he said as he got up. She started to stand, and he repeated himself, gently pushing her back down. She sighed. He returned a few minutes later, with various items, including some things to use to clean her cuts, as well as coffee. He handed her a mug.

"Thanks," she said quietly, as she took it. He slowly sat down on the bed, so as not to spill the hot beverage he had just given her. He motioned for her to extend her leg, so he could start to clean it off. Instead she reached for the towel he was holding. "I can do it."

"Please…just…let me." She briefly considered disagreeing, but decided against it, and extended her leg. "It's gotten a little cold," he said just before putting the wet towel on her leg. It was in fact still lukewarm. He let the roughness of the towel scrub away the dried blood. As he made his way closer to the wound he applied less and less pressure. She watched him work. His hands were gentle, but confident. Once that area was cleaned up, he motioned for her to sit closer to him.

"Why?"

"To take the other stitches out."

"I can do that."

"I don't doubt it. _May_ I do it?" She rolled her eyes and scooted closer to him. "Thank you." She pulled her shorts up again, to show the cut. Ray picked up the scissors he'd brought and carefully snipped each of the stitches. With a pair of tweezers he gently pulled out the loose thread. He could feel her muscle tighten every once in a while, in reaction to the pain of when one of the stitches caught. He whispered, "sorry," each time. When he finished, he ran his fingers over the cut. It wasn't as rough, now that the stitches were out, but wasn't smooth like the rest of her skin. "If you're not careful, the scab is going to crack," he observed.

"I know. That's ok."

"It'll hurt."

"And that's why it's ok." Ray sighed. He looked around her room, and saw some lotion on her dresser. He got up to get it. "Ray," she was starting to get irritated again, "it's fine."

"How is it fine? Really, I don't understand." He turned back around to face her.

"When I did this, I knew what was going to happen. I know how cuts heal. I know what happens when they don't. I know how to help them heal better, and I know that if I don't do certain things, it hurts."

"Ok, but how does that make it fine?" He picked up the bottle of lotion.

"I know what I am doing! If it splits later—"

"When," he corrected her. She exhaled loudly in exasperation, and rolled her eyes.

"Alright, _when_ it splits later, I know it will hurt, and take longer to heal." He resumed his seat on the bed.

"That still doesn't explain why you think it's ok."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to recognize that this not ok. You're not fine. It's not ok to know it'll hurt you, and still let it." He poured some lotion into his hand, and rubbed it between his hands to warm it up before putting it on Neela's leg. She pushed him away at first, but eventually gave in and let him. He massaged the moisturizer into the damaged skin. Every so often, he let his hands stray from the cut, and rub the lotion over the rest of her leg.

"It's a choice I'm making."

"It's not a good one."

"Are all the choices you make good?"

"I try to always make good decisions."

"But you don't."

"No. But generally, if I am advised against something, I'll reconsider." He started rubbing the lotion over her other leg.

"But sometimes you still make bad decisions."

"I've not made ones to intentionally hurt myself."

"Yes you have." He looked at her questioningly. "All those girls you bring home. Those are good decisions?"

"Some of them." He smiled. She rolled her eyes, finding a sliver of humor in his answer.

"In retrospect, you don't see that as hurting yourself?"

"No. Do you?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"Not physically, but mentally, Ray, honestly, you know it's not smart."

"That's different."

"How?" He was silent for a moment. "See? It's not different."

"No one's advised against it. And I just don't really see it as hurting myself."

"And I don't see this as hurting myself."

"Neela, I spent fifteen minutes this morning cleaning up your _blood_. I don't know what the hell you consider hurting yourself, if this is not it."

"Never mind, you don't get it. You just won't."

"I want to."

"You won't."

"I can't if you don't give me a chance." He began running one hand up and down each of her legs, under the guise of rubbing in the last of the lotion. In fact, he just didn't want to stop touching her.

"I know you won't and I don't want to waste the effort."

"How do you know I won't get it?"

"Because you've never done it."

"No, I haven't, but I still might understand. I won't be able to empathize but I might be able to sympathize."

"What do you want to know?"

"Why you do it, mostly." He paused, waiting for an answer, and she restrained herself from answering, expecting there to be more questions.

"That's it?"

"No. I just thought I'd give them one at a time." She looked at him, silently telling him to continue. "Why do you do it? Why don't you stop? What will make you stop? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I do it because I want to. I don't stop because I don't want to. Nothing will make me stop. And I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react badly to it."

"With the exception of the last one, those are wholly unsatisfactory answers." She shrugged. His hands stopped and rested on each of her thighs just above her knees. "Neela," her eyes were wandering around the room, "look at me." She focused on him. "If you don't want to tell me about it, that's fine. I wish you would, but I obviously can't make you. You have to talk to someone though. You can't keep doing this."

"Why not?"

"Are you trying to irritate me? Or are you seriously asking?"

"I am seriously asking." He sighed, frustrated.

"It's unhealthy, you know that. Something is going on that is not ok, or else you wouldn't be doing this. You are not the type of person who would cut herself, especially to this degree, just for kicks."

"Maybe you just don't really know me."

"Maybe. But I think I do. And I think you are stubborn. You know I am right, but you won't admit it." They stayed silent, locked in eye contact for several minutes. "So what's going on, Neela?" he asked almost in a whisper.

"I don't know," she responded equally quiet, and dropped her gaze. "I don't know."

"Well, you've gotta figure it out. I can't let you keep doing this."

"Why not? Why can't you just let it go, and let me live my life?"

"Why?" he asked incredulously, "because I can't stand to see you like this." He threw his hands up. "I love you too much. And I do want you to live your life, but I want you to be happy doing it."

"Who says I'm not happy?" She didn't verbally acknowledge his confession in the sentence preceding the one she was challenging. Mentally, she struggled to convince herself that he really said it.

"Me." He wasn't sure if she didn't respond to all of what he had said because she didn't believe him, or if it was because it hadn't registered with her. He decided to contemplate it later.

"I am happy."

"You cut yourself. Practically by definition, you are not happy."

"But I'm telling you, I _am_ happy."

"You cried yourself to sleep last night," he stated matter-of-factly, arms crossed over his chest.

"I thought you were asleep," she replied quietly.

"I almost was."

"Oh." She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around the front.

"You're not happy."

"It's not your fault," she conceded, admitting he was right, without actually saying it.

"That's good."

"So it's not your problem."

"Yes it is. You made it my problem when you became my friend."

"Ray, I don't know what it is, ok? I don't know."

"Why do you do it?"

"I just told you I don't know!"

"I mean, like, are you angry? Are you sad? Are you taking something out on yourself?" She shrugged.

"All of that, none of that. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I thought I had it all figured out, and now I have no idea."

"What do you mean?"

"Everything is a paradox, contradictory." She straightened her legs again. When Ray uncrossed his arms his hand dropped onto her leg. He didn't move it; he would take any excuse to be in contact with her. "I don't feel like anyone knows me until I tell them I do this," she gestured to her leg. "But I don't tell anyone I do it until I feel like they know me." Ray nodded slowly. "I hate working long shifts, but when I'm home early, I don't know what to do with myself, and wish I was working." Ray nodded again. "I have no friends outside the hospital, so I hardly ever go out. If I don't go out, I can't meet new people. I think I am happy, then I do this. I hate talking about this because it makes it worse. And it gets worse if I don't talk about it." She rubbed her hands over her face. "It's so frustrating. Everything is so frustrating." Ray wasn't sure if she was done, so he gave her a minute to continue. He started absentmindedly dragging his fingers up and down the part of her leg that lay next to him. "You can be more aggravating than anything and everything else in the world, but I can't imagine…I don't want to imagine, not living here with you."

"Neela, come here," he whispered, as he leaned forward, reaching for her. She repositioned herself, so she was sitting next to him. He lifted her onto his lap, wrapping both arms around her, and pulled her into his chest. He felt her slowly relax, their bodies gradually conforming to the curves of the other. She buried her face in his neck. "Neela, you are everything to me," he whispered. "Do you understand me?" She nodded, without lifting her head. "Everything." He ran his fingers through her hair. They sat like this in silence for almost half an hour.

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R.E.V.I.E.W.S. --**R**eading **E**valuations **V**ery **I**nterestingly **E**xcites **W**riters, **S**eriously! 


	3. Not Wasting The Day

**Not Wasting the Day**

STILL the same disclaimer…And the clubs/lounges/bars/restaurants I mention here are made up, except Ike's, which I didn't make up but it belongs to the ER writers not to me. I am not familiar with Chicago in the slightest. The people at the restaurant are mine. Ray's friend Brett who I mention is also not mine.

A/N: This is a shorty…but the next chapter is long… :)  
Thanks to all who reviewed, it's much appreciated!

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"Ray?" 

"Hmm?"

"What time is it?"

"Umm," he looked for a clock, after looking at his wrist and realizing he wasn't wearing a watch. "Three thirty."

"What?!" She lifted her head, and looked at the clock. "How did it get so late?"

"Well, we didn't go to sleep until somewhere between six and seven o'clock. And then we were talking for a while. And we've been sitting here for a bit."

"I think we should get up."

"Why?"

"Because we're wasting the day just lying in bed."

"We're not wasting it. We're relaxing. It's good to do that sometimes. And besides, we're _sitting_, not _lying._" She rolled her eyes.

"Whatever. Do you want to go relax over a bowl of cereal?" He smiled.

"Hungry?"

"Yes, a bit."

"What do you want?"

"To eat?"

"Yes that's what I meant…though I suppose you could tell me what you want for your birthday…or what you want in life…or what you want to wear…or…"

"Shut up, Ray." He could hear her smile in her voice. "At any rate I want to get out of bed."

"'k." He kissed her on the top of her head and pulled her tighter to himself before letting go. She kissed him on the cheek and got up. "Let me know when you're done in the bathroom." She nodded. After a few minutes, she returned to the room.

"Done."

"Thanks." He squeezed her shoulder as he passed her. When he finished in the bathroom, he found Neela at the table, having cereal. "Neela?" he asked sitting down across the table from her.

"Yes?"

"You know you're beautiful, right?" She quickly dropped her gaze. "Neela," she looked back up at him. "You are." He smiled. "You're beautiful." She dropped her gaze again.

"Thank you," she answered quietly. He stood up to get food for himself.

"We're both off tomorrow too, right?"

"I know I am."

"Ok. Tonight, we're going out. You and me."

"Ray…"

"No," he cut her off, "we're going, and you're going to enjoy it." He sat back down at the table.

"Where are we going?"

"You pick."

"I don't want to go out—" he cut her off.

"Then I'll pick. We're going out."

"Umm…I'm kind of sick of Ike's… Eclipse is nice, but expensive…I don't know."

"Have you ever been to The Midnight?"

"The name sounds familiar, but no, I've never been."

"My friend works there, we can get in for free." He smiled. "What do you say?"

"Fine," she answered resigned, knowing she would lose to his insistence.

"Try to sound at least a little excited. It'll be fun." Neela gave him a weak smile.

"What kind of place is this?"

"I think it is technically a 'lounge,' so there's a restaurant part and there's dancing, and a bar."

"Are we going to be eating dinner there?"

"Do you want to?"

"How expensive is it?"

"It doesn't matter. You're not paying."

"Yes it does matter, because yes, I am paying."

"Neela, I doubt you'd be paying if you went alone." She looked at him, confused. "Men are going to be buying you drinks and stuff." Her confusion changed to doubt. "Why are you looking at me like that?" He smiled.

"I'm not that type of girl."

"What type is that?"

"The girl who sits at the bar with a barely existent shirt, and has men buy her drinks all night."

"Neela, you could go wearing that," he nodded to her shorts and oversized t-shirt, "and you'd get free drinks. Why don't you just forget about the money bit, ok?" She sighed.

"What is the dress?"

"It depends what you are looking to get out of tonight." She eyed him suspiciously.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Are you coming as my friend, who may perhaps be bringing someone home? Or are you coming as my date?"

"I'm not bringing anyone home. I will go out, but I really don't feel like being social."

"Then you're my date?"

"Looks that way." She paused. "So that means proper attire would be…" her voice trailed off waiting for him to finish the sentence.

"Uhm, business casual, kind of. Not formal, but definitely no jeans."

"Ok."

"Now that we have that figured out. Do you want to have dinner there?"

"Seriously, how expensive is it?"

"It's," he paused, "it's not expensive," he lied. He decided price shouldn't influence her choice, and a little white lie never hurt anyone.

"Sure then, I don't think we have much here, so yeah, let's eat there."

"Great." He stood up and got his phone. "I'll call my friend, make sure we're on the list, and get preferential treatment." He grinned. She shook her head and smiled. As he waited for his friend to pick up, he noted, "it's good to see you smile, Neela." Before Neela could respond, the other party picked up. Neela sat and listened to the half of the conversation she could hear. "Hey, it's Ray…I'm doing well enough, how about yourself?...Now why would you assume that?" He laughed. "Yeah, you're right, I am going to ask a favor…Could you?...Come on now, you owe me." He laughed again. "Did you really think I'd forget?...For two…Dinner…Talk to who, Mark?...Oh, Marcus…ok…I appreciate it…Yeah, thanks…That's probably a good idea, her name is Neela Rasgotra," he began to spell it out, but was interrupted after the 'l.' "Yes my roommate," he smiled at Neela. "See you later…and thanks again."

"How does this guy know who I am?"

"Neela, everyone knows who you are. I have a female roommate. My friends give me shit for it all the time."

"I'm not sure how I feel about that," she replied playfully, but serious.

"They only know good things." He smiled. "Most actually don't know anything about you, except that you are my female roommate who's also my coworker. Unless Brett is the first one to mention you…in that case all they'll know is that you are my," he put his fingers up, in air quotes, "'hot roommate, Dr. Neela.' In his words." She rolled her eyes. "Anyway, Scott said to be there at about five if we want to get a good table for dinner, unless we want to eat in the back room—"

"The what?" she interrupted.

"Scott is the Associate Manager, so he could get us one of the back conference room things, where they usually have private parties and stuff. Someone apparently _just_ cancelled their reservation of the room before I called…"

"That would be weird. There are only two of us."

"I kind of agree, but he offered it, so I just thought I'd pass on the information."

"Ok."

"So, we should be there about five, and not talk to anyone but Marcus."

"Ok."

"Oh, and it can get pretty hot, so I'd suggest something short, or light."

"I think I'll have to go with light." He saw her jaw clench.

"Right," he whispered, mostly to himself. _I'm so glad I thought through that comment_, he reprimanded himself sarcastically.

"I'm going to go get ready."

--o--

An hour later, Neela emerged from her room, ready to leave, and Ray was waiting for her in the kitchen, flipping through a magazine. He was wearing black pants and a jacket over a white shirt, which was not buttoned all the way up. He looked up when he heard her door open. She immediately caught his eye. She was wearing long black pants, and a silver-grey halter top. It was cut just low enough to be very sexy while remaining perfectly decent. He could just barely hear her heals clicking on the floor over the pounding of his heartbeat.

"Damn, Neela," he managed to get out. "Are you trying to make things difficult for me?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You are wearing that," he looked her up and down, "but say you don't want to be social? I'm going to have to spend the night pulling people away from you."

"Not if they know I'm _your_ date." He stood in front of him, and wrapped her hand around the back of his neck. He looked up at her and smiled. She ran her fingers up his neck and through his hair, before dropping her hand.

"You ready?" She smiled, giving him a silent affirmative. He stood up and took her hand.

* * *

R.E.V.I.E.W.S. – **R**equesting **E**very **V**iewer **I** **E**ntertain **W**ill **S**ubmit 


	4. Pre Dinner Bets

**Pre-Dinner Bets**

Disclaimer…The people at the restaurant are my own made up characters. Ray and Neela? sTiLL nOt MinE.

A/N: Hopefully the length of this one will make up for the shortness of the last one :)  
A forewarning though, the last chapter is probably going to be relatively short too...

As always, THANK YOU to those who reviewed--you're awesome.

* * *

"That is a long line!" Neela observed as they rounded the corner and their destination came into view. 

"Yes, and that is why I called Scott. Come on, we can go up to the front." He winked. As they approached the door way they got several dirty looks from people in line. Ray approached one of the bouncers.

"You're going to have to go to the back of the line sir," the man said sternly.

"Can I speak with Marcus?" The bouncer's face softened slightly.

"Step right over here," he gave them a small smile. Over his shoulder he called for Marcus.

"Thank you," Neela said as they walked past the bouncer into the area he had indicated. A very tall and full-bodied man walked toward Ray and Neela. He was big, not overweight, just large.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, my name is Ray Barn—" the man interrupted him, and held out his hand.

"Ah, Ray!" he said, shaking Ray's hand. Then turning to Neela, "and you must be Neela," he shook her hand as well. "Please both of you, come in, come in." He motioned for them to go through the door he was now holding open. "A table for two?"

"Yes," Ray answered.

"Were you interested in a private room?" Neela shook her head.

"No," Ray said, repeating Neela's sentiment.

"Right this way." Marcus led them to a table that was tucked behind a pillar just enough that the noise of the room was not overpowering, but they weren't isolated. There was a curved bench seat that could hold two or three people comfortably, and one chair opposite the bench. Neela slid onto the bench and Ray sat in the chair, not across from her, but not right next to her either. "I'll go tell Scott you're here. Can I get you a drink first?" He lay the drink menu in front of them.

"Yes, I'll have…a…" Neela looked over the menu. "a glass of Merlot." He nodded and looked at Ray.

"Same."

"Ok, Scott will be right over with your drinks."

--o--

"Ray," Neela said after Marcus left, "I thought you said this place wasn't expensive. The drink prices are exorbitant, I hate to think what the entrees will be. If you don't think this is expensive, I wonder what you think _is_."

"I told you not to worry about the prices, Neela."

"It's hard when they're this high."

"Scott won't charge me the listed price." He continued as she opened her mouth to protest, "and before you start to argue, he will be charging me. Not you." She looked at him. "Enjoy yourself, Neela. Ok?" She nodded. A man who Neela assumed must be Scott, approached with two glasses of wine.

"Hello!" The man placed the glasses on the table, and set the tray aside. "Ray, it's good to see you." Ray stood and they shook hands. "And you must be Neela. I'm Scott." She started to stand. "No, no, don't get up."

"Good to meet you, Scott." She held out her hand to shake his.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Neela." He took her hand and instead of shaking it, he lifted it and gave it a light kiss.

"Alright, alright, Scott, that's enough," Ray teased. Scott had lowered Neela's hand, but was still holding it in his. He let go.

"Though, if I am not mistaken, Dr. Rasgotra here is your roommate, not your girlfriend."

"She's my date for tonight," he replied playful, but firm, as he sat back down.

"Ok," Scott laughed, "here's the menu for tonight. Ray, I know you don't like to hear it all, so I'll just tell you, our specials and soup du jour are all on the center page."

"Thanks," Ray laughed.

"Andrew will be over to take your order in a few minutes. Let me know if you need anything at all throughout the night, I'm always around." Ray nodded. "If you don't see me, you can tell any server or bartender that you are with CFS," Ray looked at him questioningly. Scott raised his finger, indicating for him to wait until he finished, "and would like to speak with me. They won't give you any trouble. Among my business partners, CFS stands for Close Friends of Scott, but most of the staff know it as Center for Food Safety, a department of the FDA." All three laughed.

"Thank you," Neela said, and nodded.

"Lastly, I would recommend the seafood bisque, it was just made an hour or so ago; and the sauce for the Chicken Piccata is actually an old family recipe, I make it myself. I'll leave you now. Neela, it's good to put such a beautiful face to a beautiful name." He smiled, and walked away.

"Wasn't he wearing a wedding ring?" Neela asked once Scott was out of earshot. Ray laughed.

"Yeah. He's kind of a lady's man. He's a flirt, but his wife knows it, and he'd never do anything. He's a good guy." Neela nodded. "What are you going to get?"

"I don't know, it all sounds so good, but I am not all that hungry."

"You haven't really eaten all day."

"I had cereal soon before we left."

"And that's all you've eaten."

"So?"

"Just pointing it out…" He shrugged.

"The Chicken Piccata does sound really good, though the Thai Salad does too. And the soup." Ray laughed.

"That _would_ be a lot. You can get a cup of the soup and the Thai Salad as the side salad with the chicken."

"No, the Thai Salad is an entrée, and it says no substitutions down here," she pointed to the bottom of the menu.

"Ahh, the perks of knowing the manager…" He smiled. "You can substitute."

"I still don't think I'd eat that much."

"Ok, how about this: we get the Chicken Piccata, and the full size Thai Salad, and a bowl of the bisque, and split it all?"

"Sure, I guess so." She smiled.

"Ok, that's what we'll do. After we order, what do you say we go dance?"

"I don't want to."

"It'll be fun."

"I'm really not in the mood."

"Fine then," he said, changing the subject, "I propose a toast." He lifted his wine glass, and Neela did the same. "To having the perfect Roomie."

"I'm not perfect, Ray."

"I didn't mean you. I meant me." She rolled her eyes. "No, you're right, I did mean you. And yes you are." She put her glass down, without a toast.

"How can you know what you know about me, and have the word perfect ever come to mind?"

"You're perfect in your own way."

"And what way is that?"

"I don't know how to explain it, you're just...you."

"That makes no sense."

"Fine, then I propose a toast to the best Roomie, however perfect or imperfect she may be." He raised his glass again. She raised hers as well. "To the best Roomie ever."

"To being Roomies," she replied, unable to hold back a small smile. They tapped their glasses together, and each took a sip. "I'm going to the restroom," Neela said as she got up. Ray nodded. Not long after Neela left, Andrew came over and took the order. Once they had exchanged a few words, they both recognized each other as having met before. Andrew put the order in and returned to the table, taking Neela's seat.

"Wait, so I thought this Neela girl was your roommate," Andrew stated.

"She is."

"Scott was just saying that I shouldn't even bother…"

"What hitting on her?" He sipped his wine as they talked.

"Yeah," he laughed. "And that she's with you."

"She is."

"So you're dating your roommate? Doesn't that usually go the other way—you date and _then_ you live together?" They both laughed.

"No," Ray explained, "she's not my girlfriend. She's my friend, and she's my date for the night."

"So, why can't I talk to her? You can get her cheap meals here, but I can get them free," he joked. Ray laughed.

"You can talk to her, but she told me flat out that she wasn't interested in socializing."

"Then why'd she come here?"

"I wanted to take her out for dinner. I know this is a good place, and I _know_ it'll be good service." He smiled.

"Why are _you_ taking her out to dinner?"

"What, as opposed to, say, you?"

"For example, yes." Andrew grinned.

"She's my friend."

"Your friend?" he said dubiously.

"Yes."

"The Ray Barnett I met does not have female acquaintances that are _just_ friends."

"Yeah, he does." He smiled. "Just not many."

"You're something else, Ray," Andrew sighed. "Will you at least give me a chance?"

"Sure, but expect to be shot down."

"Ye of little faith."

"Just a warning." He saw Neela out of the corner of his eye.

"You'll see, I will be able…" Ray pointed out Neela's presence subtly with his eyes. "Yeah, ok, I see." Andrew nodded. Neela came up to the table. "Sorry there Neela, I stole your seat, didn't I?" Andrew said as he stood. She smiled politely.

"Thank you."

"Andrew and I were just talking…it turns out we have met before…"

"Ok," she replied not really understanding his need to explain.

"I gave him our order." She nodded. "I'll be right back."

"We've remodeled a little since you were here last Ray, the men's room is over there now." Andrew pointed to one of the back corners. Ray nodded and left.

"Mind if I join you?"

"No, that would be fine." Andrew now took Ray's seat.

"Ray has told me a lot about you."

"All good things I hope?" He laughed.

"Yes, all good things. I must say, I have a lot of respect for someone who can live with Ray Barnett."

"Why do you say that?" Neela asked, sipping on her wine.

"He doesn't seem to be the ideal roommate." Neela smiled.

"It works out all right." Andrew smiled at her. "Sure, he's messy, but I am too."

"Isn't he in a band too? Doesn't that get annoying?" Neela laughed.

"It was, it was. He's not in the band anymore. His band mates were nice enough, they were just loud."

"So tell me," Andrew leaned on the table thereby moving closer to her, "what's a pretty girl like you doing going out on a date with her roommate?"

"He's my friend." Neela smiled sweetly. Mentally, she was madly trying to figure out how to let this guy down easily.

"The way he talked about, it sounded like you don't have a boyfriend."

"Is that so?" Andrew smiled.

"It is." Neela saw Ray approaching slowly. Andrew's back was to him, but he knew Neela could, and did see him. She was able to catch his eye, and subtly ask him to return to the table. "So what do you say I take you out on a proper date?" Ray had come close enough to hear Andrew's question.

"That's very kind of you, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no."

"Why's that?"

"Hey now," his voice startled the other man, "don't you know it's impolite to hit on someone else's date?" he asked. His voice was playful, but he was obviously also being serious.

"My apologies," Andrew replied, standing up. "I should probably get back to work."

"Probably a smart idea," Neela said sweetly.

"Can I get anything for either of you right now?"

"Some water would be great actually," Ray answered. Neela nodded in agreement.

"I'll be right back with some." He left.

"Ray," Neela scolded, "you knew he was going to do that."

"Yeah, kinda," he answered with a mischievous smile.

"I told you I didn't want to be social."

"I had to go to the bathroom."

"Conveniently at the same time Andrew was still here."

"I didn't think it could hurt, Neela. Plus, Andrew's a nice guy." Neela sighed. "And I warned you." He smiled. "It doesn't matter when I get up, some guy is going to come talk to you, it just so happens that I knew this guy."

"I doubt that. You left when he was standing right here, of course he would stay, especially if you told him I didn't have a boyfriend!"

"I didn't."

"He said you implied it."

"I don't think so…when he asked why I was taking you out, as opposed to someone else, I said I was taking you out as a friend. That's all."

"Ok. But I still think you left at quite the opportune time for him."

"Seriously, do you want me to get up again? If I'm wrong you don't have to dance with me tonight at all."

"And if you're right, I do?"

"Yes." She smiled.

"Alright, you're on."

"Ok, I'm going to go meander over to those paintings on the wall." He stood up, and walked away, leisurely. Soon after he left, Andrew came back to the table with the water. Ray could see him put the glasses down, and then start talking to Neela again. Ray smiled and walked back over to the table, hearing the end of their conversation, again.

"…so I just thought I'd ask."

"Again?" Ray said over Andrew's shoulder, startling him again, though this time not as much.

"I was just keeping her company, since you left, man." Andrew punched Ray playfully in the arm, and then left. Ray sat down.

"See?"

"I don't know if that counts. It was the server, he had to come to the table. Plus, it was the same guy."

"Would you like to try this little experiment again?"

"Yes."

"Ok, same wager." He smiled.

"Ok." She gave him a smile in return, and he walked away once more. Soon after he left a young man did, in fact, approach the table. Ray couldn't hear the conversation, but he could see them both.

"What is a lovely young woman like yourself doing eating alone?"

"I'm actually not alone. My friend will be right back."

"Mind if I join you until such time?" he asked as he slid into Ray's seat. He noted the women's purse leaning against the chair.

"I suppose not."

"My name is Alex, by the way." He extended his hand.

"Neela." She shook his hand, stiffly.

"That's a pretty name. Indian?"

"Yes." She smiled politely, and took the last sip of her wine.

"Can I get you another drink?" Noting the other empty wine glass, he added, "and your friend?" Neela smiled, knowingly. "Where did your friend go?" he asked looking around, looking for the owner of the purse he'd seen.

"_He_'s right over there." Neela pointed to Ray, who tried to look nonchalant.

"Oh. My apologies."

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you bought another round of drinks." He smiled uneasily.

"I, uhh, misunderstood you, I'm sorry." Neela tried to wave Ray over under the table. It took him a while to notice, but he finally did. Alex was at a loss for words, but Ray returned soon enough that the awkward pause was not very long. Alex quickly stood.

"That's alright. Alex, this is Ray. Ray, Alex." They shook hands, Alex obviously uncomfortable.

"Relax, man," Ray smiled. Alex gave a polite, but utterly unconvincing smile.

"Enjoy the rest of your night, Neela, Ray," Alex said stiffly before quickly leaving.

"I win," Ray declared to Neela, and held out his hand. "Come on. Come dance while we wait for food."

"I really don't want to."

"You have to. I won." He grinned, and shrugged off his coat. He draped his jacket over the back of his chair.

"Fine. One song. That's it." She put her purse on her seat, so it wasn't quite so out in the open, then she stood and took his outstretched hand.

"Ok," he smiled. He led her to the dance floor. The song was fast paced. Neela's body seemed to naturally move to the rhythm of the music. She danced close to, but not quite touching him. Before long, he could no longer keep his hands off of her, and he placed each of his hands around her waist. She put her hands over his, and he feared she was going to push him off. Instead she held his hands and pulled them tighter around her stomach, leaning back into him. The song was ending, and being blended into the beginning of the next song, which was much slower. She turned around in his arms, and wrapped her hands around the back of his neck. He pulled her a little closer and she let her head fall onto his chest. She was just the right height that when they stood like this, her ear rested over his heart. After several minutes, the tempo of the song started to increase again, as it blended into the next track.

"That's enough," Neela said quietly. She looked up at him. He nodded. "The food is probably coming soon, too." He nodded again. Finally she let her hands drop, and he slowly released her waist.

* * *

R.E.V.I.E.W.S.-- **R**evising **E**ach **V**ersion **I**ncorporates **E**veryone's **W**ritten **S**uggestions 


	5. Confession

**Confession**  
Disclaimer: Do you seriously not know it yet?

A/N: Sorry it took so long to update! You know, real life and stuff…  
I started writing this story a long time ago. This was originally the last chapter, but I didn't like it as an ending, so there will be more. In fact the next chapter is quite long...it'll probably be up later tonight :)

As always, thanks for the reviews!

* * *

No sooner had they sat down than Andrew came over with the soup. 

"Did you want the salad at the same time?" he asked, as he placed the soup in front of Ray. He noticed that Ray had decided against the chair and was now sitting on the bench seat right next to Neela.

"That would be great," Neela replied. "Oh," she motioned toward her wine glass, "and can I," she looked at Ray and he nodded, so she corrected herself, "_we_ both get more wine?" Andrew nodded and left.

"Have as much as you want," Ray said, pushing the bowl toward her. She smiled. Soon, Andrew brought out the wine and Thai Salad. "Thanks."

"Anything else?" Andrew asked.

"I think we're good. Thanks," Ray answered. Neela nodded in agreement. Andrew left. The salad sat in front of Ray.

"You can eat that you know?" Neela chided.

"I prefer to have soup first." He smiled. "Whenever you're done."

"I've probably had my share."

"Have as much as you want," he repeated. She pushed the bowl over to him.

"I want to save room for everything else." She smiled. He gave her the salad. Once Ray had finished the soup, Neela was done with her share of the salad, and she slid it back to where Andrew had originally placed it. Neela leaned back into the cushioned seat holding her glass of wine, occasionally taking sips of it, while Ray had his salad. He looked at her, and smiled.

"You look relaxed."

"I am." She admitted.

"Enjoying yourself?" She nodded, with a content look on her face. "Told you," he said smugly and playfully nudged her thigh. He let his hand remain there. He moved it a few inches higher and could feel her wounded skin under the light fabric of her pants. He looked at her, when he first felt it, and she returned his look with sadness and shame in her eyes. He dragged his fingers across it absentmindedly.

"Can I take this for you?" Andrew's voice snapped both of them out of their thoughts. Andrew reached for the empty soup bowl and salad plate. Neela nodded. "Your entrée should be ready shortly. Anything I can get for you?" Ray looked at Neela, who shook her head.

"No, thanks," Ray answered. Andrew noticed Ray's hand hadn't moved from what he guessed was Neela's thigh. He sighed, thinking _just friends? Really? _as he walked away.

Neela slid her hand under Ray's, intertwining their fingers, and effectively removing his hand from her leg. Ray rested his other elbow on the table and leaned his head on his hand, looking at Neela.

"That's not good manners, Ray," Neela scolded playfully. He smiled and dropped his hand, but didn't take his eyes off of her.

"Neela, what will make you stop?"

"I don't know."

"You have no idea? None whatsoever?" She shook her head. "Neela," he sighed, pain evident in his voice, "Neela," he started again. He didn't know what the rest of the sentence was that he was trying to say. He leaned toward her, kissing her cheek, and whispered into her ear. "Neela, I love you."

"Stop it, Ray," she whispered back, her voice trembling ever so slightly. Andrew was bringing the main course out and saw Ray leaning into Neela. He shook his head. He noted to himself, though, that he wasn't kissing her, he appeared to be whispering something.

"What? Stop what?"

"Stop…caring so much."

"I can't." He kissed her neck, before sitting back up. Andrew set the chicken platter down between them.

"Anything else?" Andrew asked. Ray shook his head, and Andrew walked away.

The rest of their meal was quiet and uneventful. The portions worked out nicely, and they each got enough to eat. Andrew came back a while later, to clear the table. They refused his offer of dessert, and he left again.

"Ray, can we go home?" she said, voice quivering again.

"Yeah. Are you ok?"

"Yes, I just want to go now."

"Let me just go tell Scott we're leaving." She nodded.

Ray got up and shrugged on his jacket as he left. Neela tried to pull herself together, mentally telling herself to relax and calm down. When Ray returned, he was accompanied by Scott.

Scott offered his hand, which Neela took, and stood up. He kissed her hand as he had done when they met, generating a smile from her.

"I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, Neela."

"It was a pleasure," Neela answered politely, though Ray could hear that she was uncomfortable.

"You must come back, since you didn't try any of our desserts." Neela smiled genuinely.

"This has all been lovely, I do hope to return."

"Next time, though, don't bring this guy," he playfully punched Ray in the arm, "he's not nearly good enough for you." Neela gave a weak smile and leaned into Ray. He put his arm around her.

"You do know I can hear you, right?" Ray jibed.

"You know you're not good enough for her," Scott retorted.

"Yeah, I know."

"Yes you are," Neela cut in, addressing Ray. She turned her attention to Scott, "he's good enough, when he wants to be." The two men laughed.

"Enjoy the rest of your night. See you around Ray, and I hope you too Neela." Ray and Neela each smiled and left.

They walked down the block in silence, Ray's arm draped across Neela's back, hand curled around her side. Neela had her arm around Ray's waist. They stopped at the end of the block, waiting for the light to change. Ray took his arm off of Neela and turned, making her arm fall as well. He took her hand in his.

"You're cold!"

"My hands are, a little. I'm not," Neela lied. Ray let go of her hand and took off his jacket. He placed it over her bare shoulders. It warmed her quickly, since it still held his body heat. He took her hand again. The light changed and they continued on their way. Ray periodically glanced down at Neela. She was acting odd at the end of the meal, but seemed content once they were actually leaving the lounge. Now she looked troubled.

"What's the matter?" Ray asked.

"Nothing, I'm fine," Neela mumbled. He stepped in front of her, so they were facing each other, forcing her to stop walking.

"Neela?" She looked at him. "Are you ok?" he asked, knowing the answer was 'no,' but hoping, though doubting, she'd elaborate. He was careful to hide his surprise when she shook her head.

"But I really don't want to talk right now, ok?" she whispered. He nodded and put his arms around her.

"Ok," he kissed the top of her head. "Let's just go home. Taxi?"

"No, that's silly, we're not that far away." He smiled.

"This is true."

They walked the rest of the way home in silence, Ray holding Neela close to him, and shortening his stride to stay in step with her. When they got into the apartment, Ray lifted his jacket off her shoulders. She turned to face him.

"Ray?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"I, umm, I…I did it again," she finally finished, her voice small.

"What? I was with you all day…"

"Before my shower," she answered his implied question.

"Where?" She took his hand placing it on the opposite thigh from the one had removed stitches from that morning. He drew his fingers over it. If he went slowly, he could feel the stitches that she had done. They seemed to be even and tight, unlike the ones she had done much earlier that morning.

"I can't fucking stop, Ray," her voice quiet, choked by restrained tears.

"It's ok." She took a step back, away from him.

"No it's not!" She kicked off her shoes, frustrated.

"I mean it's not ok that you can't stop. But it _will_ _be_ ok."

"How do you know that?" She was walking away from him, toward her room.

"I don't know for sure, but I think it will be." She tossed her shoes into her room, and returned to the kitchen.

"What makes you think it will be?" her voice defeated. He breathed in deeply and walked over to her, putting his hands on each of her shoulders.

"Neela, I think it will be ok because I love you, and I can't imagine, I physically am incapable of imagining, anything could ever not work out for you." She fell into his chest. He let his hands slide down her shoulders and back, and wrapped them around her waist, pulling her into him.

"It's too hard," she whispered.

"You can do it," he replied just as quietly.

"I don't even know what 'it' is. I don't know what I am trying to avoid, or stop avoiding, or change…" her voice trailed off.

"Do what makes you happy. Fuck everyone else. Do things for yourself."

"You don't approve of what I do to make myself happy." He leaned away from her causing her to look up at him and make direct eye contact.

"That doesn't make you happy, Neela. Maybe it stops you from being sad, but it doesn't make you happy." She wrapped her hands around the back of his neck, and let her head rest on his chest again.

"You make me happy, Ray," she whispered, pretty sure he wouldn't hear her, since her voice was directed into his chest.

"What?"

"Nothing," she answered, this time turning her head away from his body, so he could hear her.

"No, what'd you say?"

"I didn't say anything."

"You're a terrible liar," he smiled, "you always have been, but I'll let it go. This time."

"I'm going to bed."

"Ok," he answered. She started to step away from him but he didn't let go of her. She looked up at him. "Sorry," he said, slowly releasing her, giving a guilty smile.

"No you're not."

"That's true, I'm not," he grinned. She rolled her eyes.

"Good night Ray," she said to him before turning around and going to her room.

"'night Neela."

* * *

R.E.V.I.E.W.S. **--R**ealization! **E**valuations **V**eritably **I**nclude **E**xciting, **W**ise **S**entiments! 


	6. Girls' Night Out

**Girls' Night Out**

Disclaimer: shockingly enough, it still hasn't changed.

A/N: I wrote the previous 5 chapters quite a long time ago (months before they were posted, in fact), but I wrote this one (and all that will follow) in the past few weeks. I don't think there are any inconsistencies, or untied loose ends. Please tell me if you find any!

* * *

/Several weeks later…/ 

"Hey, Ray," Abby addressed her coworker. He looked at her. "We're having a girls' night out," Ray raised his eyebrows, "whatever you're thinking, no," she rolled her eyes. He smiled. She continued, "I was just wondering if you know of any nice places to eat? Like upscale from Ike's but not something with a dress code?"

"Yeah, I'd recommend this place called Midnight."

"Oh, where you went with Neela?" He nodded. "What happened that night?" she asked suddenly.

"What has Neela told you?"

"Nothing. Just that you made her go out to dinner."

"That makes it sound like a punishment. She needed to get out of the apartment, neither of us wanted to cook, and I was in the mood for something a little classier than pizza."

"What do you mean 'she needed to get out of the apartment'?"

"She was stressed out. I can't really tell you anything more, you'll have to talk to her." Abby looked at him skeptically. "What? It's not my business to tell anyone."

"You two just seemed to have gotten pretty close since then."

"It's not what you think," he answered seriously, shaking his head. Abby gave him another puzzled look. "It's complicated, and I can't elaborate, Abby."

"Alright," she conceded. "Oh, but about what I originally asked. The restaurant."

"Right. It's pretty much how you described it. Nicer than Ike's, definitely no jeans, but not formal."

"So," she motioned to her clothes, "like this," Abby's question came out more like a statement.

"Well, yeah, but you don't have to be quite so conservative. Neela's been there, she can tell you what's appropriate." Abby nodded. "Oh! One more thing."

"Yeah?"

"This place is pretty damn popular. Don't wait in the line, go up to the front and ask for Marcus. He'll probably recognize Neela."

"And if he doesn't?"

"If he doesn't or he's not there, umm, mention or have Neela mention that Scott knows you guys. If they give you any crap, as a last straw, say you're with CFS. That's the Center of Food Safety, a division of the FDA. They'd get closed down if they refused to let an inspector in."

"That's just a lie!"

"You didn't let me finish."

"Oh."

"That's what the staff know it as. It also stands for Close Friends of Scott." Abby laughed.

"Well, if that's a guarantee, why don't we just start with that?"

"You said this is girls' night out? How many are going?"

"I think three or four, me, Sam, Neela, possibly Inez…maybe five if Chuny comes," Abby said hesitantly.

"You are all very attractive women. It's unlikely the CFS would send a group like that to do an inspection. However, it's not impossible, which is why it is still an option, just not the best one."

"I see."

"Not that you would, but don't pass this on to anyone…Scott will kill me if I tell too many people about this." Abby nodded. "And I'll call Scott and let him know you're coming too."

"Thank you."

"Not a problem," Ray smiled. "Maybe we should get back to work now." Abby laughed and nodded.

--o--

Four women were standing in Neela's room, changing out of scrubs and work clothes and getting ready to leave. Abby wore a modest but sexy dark green dress, Sam had a short white skirt and matching fun top, and Inez was also wearing a dress, hers a bright dark blue and shorter than Abby's, but no less inappropriate. As Neela pulled on her black pants, Sam saw a mark on her leg.

"Neela, what's that?"

"What?" she answered quickly pulling her pants all the way up.

"It looked like you had a pretty large cut on your thigh."

"Oh, that, I ran into the corner of a gurney." She gave a nervous laugh.

"Damn," Sam exclaimed, "you must have hit it hard!"

"Yeah," Neela gave a fake, but convincing smile, hoping the subject would change soon.

"Aren't you going to be hot in pants Neela?" Inez asked.

"No," she laughed, "I think you all are going to be cold!"

"We're going to be dancing, Neela, you know that right?" Sam teased.

"I don't dance."

"Sure you do. And I'm sure I saw some pretty sexy dresses in your closet," Abby said, "and we all know you've got nice legs, Neela." All the women chuckled. Inez went over to Neela's closet, quickly finding a maroon, relatively low-cut, knee-length dress.

"I'd rather not wear something short."

"Oh, come on, Neela, have some fun," Abby insisted.

"That is a really nice dress that shouldn't just sit in your closet!" Sam pointed out.

"Put it on so we can see it; appease us. Then if you really want to, you can change back into pants," Inez suggested.

"Fine," Neela sighed. After she took off the pants, but before she slipped the dress on Abby noticed more cuts and scars on Neela's legs. Abby contemplated saying something, but ultimately opted against it. It was obviously something Neela was trying to hide.

"Neela, that's hot," Sam said definitively, "you can't not wear that." Neela looked down, hoping it seemed like she was examining the dress, when really she was checking that no cuts or scars were visible. Abby picked up on Neela's subtle self inspection, and made a mental note to definitely ask her friend what was going on.

--o--

The group of women passed by the long line of people waiting outside Midnight. When they approached the door, they got a few stern stares from one of the bouncers. Neela stepped up to the front of the group.

"Can I speak to Marcus please?" she asked sweetly.

"He doesn't work tonight. Who are you?"

"I know—" the bouncer cut her off.

"I didn't ask who your friends are. What is your name?"

"Neela. Neela Rasgotra." The bouncer's face softened like it had when Neela came with Ray and the bouncer first realized Ray had an inside connection.

"Neela, I didn't recognize you. Come on in." He stepped to the side and gestured for them to enter. The other three women followed Neela inside. Scott came over to greet his guests.

"Neela! I'm so glad to see you back!" She offered her hand to shake, but as he had done before, he raised it to his mouth and gave a light kiss on the back of her hand. "Who are all of your friends?" Neela introduced her friends to the manager. He gave them each the same greeting he had given Neela. "Ladies, right this way. I've got a table all set up for you." He led them over to the same area in which Neela had been seated on her last visit to the restaurant.

"Thank you," Neela smiled as he pulled a chair out for her, and each of the other women, and handed them each a menu.

"Can I start you all out with something to drink?"

"I'm fine with water," Abby answered.

"We'll have water all around, and I'll get a glass of Merlot too please," Neela continued.

"Merlot," Inez repeated, after only briefly looking over the wine list.

"Same," Sam smiled.

"I will bring those drinks right out. Shall I tell you about our specials?" He paused and a smile crept over his face before he added, "or has Ray rubbed off on you, and you would rather not hear them?" Neela laughed, while the other women looked on, a little puzzled.

"These inserts are the specials, right?" Neela asked, pulling a loose page out from the center of the menu. Scott nodded. "Then I don't think we need to hear them," she smiled, "unless you have any special suggestions."

"They're all good. I don't think there's anything I wouldn't recommend this evening."

"Isn't this your restaurant?" Sam asked teasingly.

"Yes. But sometimes we have something extra special that I like to specifically recommend," he replied with coy grin. Sam laughed.

"Then I think we're all set," Neela said.

"Alright. Andrew will be your server tonight, and he'll be over shortly. I'll be right back with your drinks," he answered, sounding very professional with the commonly repeated line, and then left.

"Wow, Neela, way to be on the inside track," Inez laughed.

"I've only met the guy once!"

"He's very flirtatious for someone wearing a wedding ring," Abby observed.

"I said the same thing to Ray. Apparently, that's just how he is. His wife knows it, and evidently doesn't care. Ray said he's a good guy and loves his wife very much. I don't know." They all laughed. "We should probably decide what we want to order." Abby nodded. Scott returned with the drinks.

"I just remembered, the stews, both vegetable and beef are old family recipes. I would highly recommend them both," he added before leaving, and winked at Sam. Sam laughed.

"Ok, anyway" Neela said, "what are we going to get?" They all mulled over the menu, and after several minutes, Andrew approached the table.

"Hello ladies, my name is Andrew, and I'll be your server for tonight," he gave his introduction easily having said it innumerable times before. "Neela? Is that you?"

"Hello Andrew," Neela smiled.

"It's good to see you back, and without that Ray character," he laughed. Neela replied with a polite smile, but clearly implying it was not to be a topic of conversation. He nodded and addressed all members of the table again. "Do you have any questions, or are you ready to order?"

"I think we're all set," Sam replied looking around the table for any of her friends to object. None did, so Andrew nodded, indicating that she should start. After she ordered, he looked at Inez.

"Could we get these on separate checks, please? If it's not a problem," she asked.

"Actually, Scott specifically asked me not to split your check." Inez gave him a puzzled look. "I don't know why. I can ask him if you like?"

"That won't be necessary," Inez replied, a little confused, but she didn't care to dwell on it. The rest of the women ordered, and Andrew left. "Where's the bathroom, Neela?" Inez asked. Neela pointed her in the right direction.

"I'll join you," Sam said, as she stood up.

"Neela," Abby said quietly, and seriously, once they were the only ones at the table. "Is there anything you want to tell me about?" Neela shook her head. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Abby. Is there something you want me to tell you about?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"I think you know what."

"I think you're being silly."

"Why didn't you want to wear a skirt, Neela?"

"I was afraid I'd get cold, which I am, actually."

"How many times have you run into a gurney?"

"What?"

"One cut from that, I'd believe. Six, seven, eight? Something makes me think you're lying to me."

"You don't trust me that I'm telling the truth?"

"Yes, usually I do, but not about this." Inez and Sam approached the table. "Later," Abby said sternly to Neela before the other two women sat.

--o--

While they waited for the food, Sam insisted that they all dance. There was a live band and they were good.

"Plus, what's the fun in wearing a dress like that, Neela, and then not dancing?" Inez noted. Neela rolled her eyes. "C'mon!" When even Abby gave in to Sam and Inez's persistence, Neela followed them as well. It didn't take long for the women to attract the attention of several men. When the third song ended they each thanked their various dancing partners, and returned to the table, much to the disappointment of the men.

"See? That was fun, wasn't it?" Sam laughed. Neela successfully put on a fake but convincing smile. "Those guys certainly enjoyed it."

"Every one of them asked me about you," Abby grinned. She had started wearing a ring on her left hand when she went out. Even though she and Luka were not really engaged, she did not want to be involved with other men. The men on the dance floor seemed to interpret that as a go-ahead for asking Abby about her single friends.

"I told you that dress was hot," Inez laughed.

"Thanks," Neela replied politely, enjoying the attention, but at the same time finding it quite uncomfortable.

Not long after they returned to their seats, the food came. All their meals were elegant and tasty. The table conversation was full of inconsequential banter, though it was enjoyable for all.

--o--

"Neela, here's the check, I hope you enjoyed your evening with us." Andrew smiled as he spoke.

"I'll take it," Abby said. Andrew ignored her offer and put the folder in front of Neela.

"I did, the food was very good," Neela answered the server, "as was the service." Andrew smiled.

"I'll go tell Scott you are leaving, I'm sure he'll want to say bye." Neela nodded.

"Neela, give me the check. Dinner's on me," Abby said, reaching her hand out. Neela opened the folder and looked at the check. The sub total was $119.86, with tax. The next line down read **CFS discount**. Neela scanned across the check to the amount, which read -$119.86. The final line, reading **Total**, was $0. Neela smiled.

"That's alright, Abby, I got it."

"No, seriously," she responded, and grabbed the paper from Neela. Another, smaller, piece of paper fell to the floor. Abby didn't notice, but Neela did and she bent down to get it. Abby gasped when she looked at the check.

"Is it that bad?" Sam asked nervously. Abby responded by handing her the check. "Oh my goodness."

"What?" Inez asked, her curiosity piqued. Sam handed her the paper. Inez laughed when she saw the total. "Remind me to thank Ray for getting us in on his connections!" The women all laughed. Neela tried to surreptitiously slip the piece of paper that had fallen under her plate. Sam noticed.

"What's that Neela?" she asked.

"Nothing," Neela answered quickly. Sam pulled the paper out.

"Neela! You weren't going to take this?"

"No."

"What is it?" Inez asked again out of the loop. When Sam didn't answer, Abby repeated Inez's question.

"It's nothing," Neela said, slightly irritated at the attention she was unable to avoid.

"It's Andrew's phone number," Sam corrected her.

"Really?" Abby squealed. "Why wouldn't you want that? He's cute!"

"Yes, he is. I don't know." Neela knew her answer was lame, but she had to say something, and nothing else came to mind. She pulled some bills out of her wallet. "How do you tip on a check like that?" The women all sat, stumped, all unsure. Scott came over to give his farewell.

"Neela, Andrew tells me you ladies didn't get dessert again. That means you will have to return, you know that right?" he laughed as he spoke. Neela chuckled.

"I guess so." She decided she'd tip a little over 20 percent of what the check would have been, without the discount. She started to put down several bills.

"Neela, dear, did you misread the check?"

"No, but the check doesn't include tip, Scott. The service here is superb," she grinned.

"No, no, no. Please, put your money away. As long as you promise to come back and try some of our desserts." Neela smiled.

"Fine."

"You too, ladies," Scott addressed the rest of the women at the table. They all chuckled and nodded.

--o--

As they walked home, Abby grabbed Neela's arm and walked slower, making them drop back behind Sam and Inez.

"Neela," Abby said seriously, "explain? Please?"

"Explain what?" Neela asked innocently.

"What are those marks from?"

"I told you, the gurney."

"Did it fight back?" Neela glared at her friend. "Unless you tell me differently, I am going to assume that I know what they are. And that's not ok."

"What's not ok?"

"You can be irritating sometimes, you know that, Neela? Does _someone_ know what they are?"

"I do."

"_Other_ than you?" It finally occurred to Abby why Ray and Neela may have gotten quite so close. "Ray maybe?" Neela looked at her friend, surprised, not expecting that question.

"Yes," Neela answered, clearly annoyed.

"Why will you talk to him about it and not me?"

"I don't know, Abby. It's not you. I know that sounds cliché, but it's true."

"Hurry up you two!" Inez called back to them.

"We're getting cold!" Sam added, laughing.

"Later?" Abby asked, pleadingly. Neela scowled. Abby accepted that as enough of an answer for now. They both quickened their pace to catch up with Inez and Sam.

Both Abby and Neela were absorbed into the conversation quickly and Neela's secret was temporarily pushed out of Abby's mind. Neela was careful to put on a joyful face, even though Abby's questions and persistence stayed in the forefront of her mind.

--o--

By the time the women returned to the apartment, Ray was home. He smiled as they all entered, laughing and talking.

"Have fun?" he asked.

"Yeah!" Sam answered.

"Thanks for calling ahead, otherwise we never would have gotten a table," Abby said. He smiled and nodded.

"You're quite welcome."

"That place is awesome, Ray, thanks for letting us use your connections!" Inez added, before returning to the other chattering women walking back to Neela's room. Soon they reemerged, still talking, having gathered their things.

"So are you going to call that guy, Neela?" Sam asked, apparently continuing a previous conversation.

"Maybe," Neela grinned. Ray overheard this, and his stomach tightened. He had nothing to be jealous or mad about, he knew that. Neela was not his girlfriend, she was just his friend. _Friend and colleague,_ he thought_, close friend and roommate, really close friend, she might as well be my girlfriend! _ He shook his head, trying to get the thoughts out of his mind, telling himself not to go there.

"You should!" Inez said laughing.

"Let us know what happens," Abby added.

"Yeah, yeah, go home now," Neela laughed.

"See you tomorrow," Sam gave Neela a quick hug before stepping out the door, followed by Inez, saying a similar farewell.

"You'll tell me more about…that…right?" Abby whispered, as she hugged her friend.

"I don't know Abby," Neela answered saying each word deliberately, almost harshly, before letting go of Abby.

"Well, I'm glad you came," Abby said to Neela.

"And wore that dress," Inez called from the hallway, just outside the door. They all laughed.

"Bye," Neela laughed as she closed the door.

"Sounds like you enjoyed yourselves," Ray said, breaking the silence in the suddenly empty room.

"Yeah," Neela answered, but not nearly as enthusiastically as she had sounded before.

"You sounded more excited about it two minutes ago." She looked up at him, making eye contact for the first time since she returned home. He noticed her smile had fallen from her face, and disappeared from her eyes too. "What's the matter?" Neela went over and sat on the couch, taking off her shoes. She didn't answer. "Neela?" He sat down next to her. She had worn her hair down, and since she was leaning over, it fell, hiding her face from Ray. She had taken off both shoes and her elbows were now resting on her knees. "Neela?" he tried once more, and reached over to push her hair back. She dropped her head into her hands for a few moments. Ray retracted his hand.

"Abby knows," she said finally, looking up at him, using her fingers to carefully wipe away some tears without smudging her make up. "I mean she doesn't _know_, I didn't tell her. But she knows." Ray looked at her, puzzled.

"What do you mean?"

"She saw them. She won't stop asking what they are. I can't lie to her, but I can't tell her what they are."

"Scars?"

"And cuts."

"You've done it recently?" She nodded. "And didn't tell me?" he asked rhetorically, but she shook her head anyway. "Why?"

"Because that's what I do, or rather don't do. I don't tell people."

"Not even me?"

"Obviously not," she answered sharply.

"Even though I already know?"

"Correct." He sighed and started to put his arm around her back. "No," she said, standing up, "don't start that again."

"Start what?" He looked up at her.

"Start…caring."

"I never stopped."

"You should." She turned to walk away.

"Neela, sit," he said firmly, taking her hand and pulling her down. She returned to her seat. "Listen to me. You can say that to me as many times as you want, but I'm not going to stop caring, ok? I can't."

"Yeah, you can." He shook his head. She exhaled loudly, irritated.

"Can I see?" As soon as the words came out of his mouth he realized how inappropriate it probably was, but his curiosity had gotten the best of him. However, she responded by pulling up her dress until it exposed several lines on her thighs. He recognized most of them from before, now more healed than the last time he'd seen them. But there were two new ones, one still had stitches, the other didn't, but he could see it used to.

"You can stop caring like I can stop cutting."

"No. I'm _not_ going to stop caring. You _are_ going to stop cutting. I know you can."

"Evidently," she said frustration obvious in her voice, "no, I can't." She threw her dress back over her legs. "It's not like I _want_ to do it. I wish I could stop, but damnit, I've tried, and I can't."

"What do I need to do? What can I say to you? What is going to make you stop?" She looked him straight in the eye, and said each of her words with finality.

"I. Don't. Know."

"What are you thinking when you do it?"

"Nothing. I do it so I stop thinking."

"What about right before you do it?"

"I hope and pray you won't find out." He sighed, saddened by her honesty.

"Ok, what about before that?"

"I don't know. When I do it makes me forget. That's why I do it, to make it all stop."

"All what stop?"

"_I don't know_!" He stood up, and indicated that she should as well. "Why?"

"Just get up." She stood. He led her by the shoulder to her room. They stood in the doorway. "Give me whatever it is that you use." She turned around and glared at him.

"No."

"It wasn't a question." He stepped into her room and leaned on the wall next to the door frame.

"I don't care."

"Either you are going to give it to me, or I'm going to look for it and take it."

"You will do no such thing. I don't want you in my room without my permission."

"Then give it to me."

"No!"

"Neela."

"Shut up Ray. You have good intentions, I recognize that, but you're not helping."

"Then tell me what to do, Neela! Tell me what will help!"

"Get out. That's what you should do." He didn't move. "Out."

"What are you going to do, if I leave?"

"_When_ you leave, I will be going to bed."

"Is that it?"

"What?"

"Is that all you're going to do? Just go to bed, nothing else?" She didn't say anything, knowing she couldn't truthfully answer what he wanted to hear. "The thought of you doing that," he gestured to her lower body, "makes me nauseous. The fact that you might do it when I am ten feet away in my room, makes me unable to leave."

"What, now I need a supervisor?"

"No, according to you, you don't need anything."

"Exactly. Get out."

"I could stand here and argue with you about that, but I'm not going to, because now maybe this is not just about what you need." She opened her mouth to interrupt, but glared at her, and continued. "Maybe this is about what _I _need, which is you."

"I'm flattered," she deadpanned, "but I'm not going anywhere. You _are_. You're leaving." He shook his head. She sighed in exasperation, and left the room. Shortly thereafter, he heard the shower running. He considered leaving, letting her have her room to herself, then opted not to. With all the thoughts racing through his mind, he didn't notice the shower turn off, or the bathroom door open. When she came back to her room, she was not surprised to find Ray still there. She sat on her bed, wrapped in her towel, and glared at him.

"What?"

"You're not going to give me privacy to change?" He noticed she was holding something.

"What's in your hand?"

"Scissors."

"For?"

"Cutting things! What the hell else do you use scissors for?"

"Things or people, Neela?"

"Jesus Christ Ray, _things_! Stitches." He walked over and sat down next to her. He held his hand out, silently asking for the scissors. Though annoyed, she succumbed to his persistence. She slapped the scissors into his hand, like she was passing them to him in surgery. "Other side," she said quietly. Ray stood up and sat down on her other side. She lifted the towel high enough to expose the sutured wound. He carefully snipped each of the threads. She had tied them such that it was not hard to remove the cut strands even without tweezers.

"Is that it?" She nodded. "Are you going to let me stay?"

"It doesn't matter what I say, we both know you're going to." Ray shook his head sadly.

"I'll go if you want me to. Whatever makes you happy."

"Fine," she conceded. "But that means you have to shower first. I don't want you sleeping in here if you're dirty." He smiled.

"Then I'll be back." He stood up and left the room, pulling her door shut on his way out.

"You make me happy," she whispered to the empty room, before getting up to get dressed.

* * *

Please review. I am tired of making sentences that are acronyms for 'reviews'... 


	7. You

**You**

Still the same boring disclaimer…

A/N: I didn't start watching ER until I got to college, so I am not sure I have Abby's history totally accurate. Feel free to correct me!

Here's the last chapter. Sorry it took so long to update, but I was working on my other story (_Nine Lines_). I realize these two sound very similar in some ways...sorry, that's just how it is!

Ray is more OOC in this chapter, but in order for it to work out the way I wanted it to, he kind of had to be. And I doubt anyone would care, because the chances of any of this story happening are about as likely as pigs flying!

* * *

/three days later…/ 

"Oh, by the way, Abby, I called that guy."

"Andrew?" Neela nodded. "And?" Abby asked expectantly.

"He's taking me to dinner tomorrow…some place that's not Midnight," she laughed.

"You will be telling me about this," Abby said playfully, but serious. Neela rolled her eyes.

"You'll beat it out of me some how, I'm sure."

--o--

"Neela, where have you been?" Ray asked when his roommate walked into the apartment the next night at 10:45 PM.

"Out with a friend."

"Who?"

"Actually, you know him too. Andrew." Ray felt his stomach tighten.

"Oh." He was trying his hardest to suppress all emotion, to sound completely indifferent. "How'd it go?"

"It was fine."

"That's rather non-convincing." She glared at him. "Are you ok? You look like you're about to cry…" He regretted saying the second half of that. He knew it was not something she'd want to hear regardless of whether it was true or not.

"I'm just tired," she answered, sounding slightly annoyed.

"You seemed to be having a rough day when I saw you in consults, so I just thought you'd be in a better mood having just come back from a date." She glared at him again.

"I _am _happy. I'm just tired."

_Liar_, he thought. _Tired, I believe. Happy, I don't. And I didn't ask if she was happy._

"He makes you happy?" he asked not sure he really wanted to know the answer.

"Good night, Ray," Neela walked away, clearly aggravated.

--o--

The next day at work Neela told Sam that she'd gone out with Andrew, and it had been nice, but she wasn't going to go again, even though he had asked. When Sam asked her to explain, she declined, and simply asked Sam to pass on the information to Inez and Abby, because Sam would probably see them before Neela would. The nurse, although a little confused, agreed to.

Before Neela went home after her shift, she stopped in the locker room and taped a piece of paper to Ray's locker. It was just a white scrap of paper, with four words on it. _He doesn't. You do_. As Neela turned to leave the locker room, Abby walked in.

"Hey! Neela! Sam told me that you went out with Andrew."

"Yeah."

"Well?!"

"It was nice."

"Just nice?" She then shifted her focus. "Isn't that Ray's locker?"

"Yes."

"Who doesn't do what?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Ok then, what does Ray do?"

"He knows."

"What?"

"He asked me a question, and that's the answer. It doesn't really concern you, Abby."

"What was the question?"

"Like I said, it doesn't really concern you."

"Can I ask you something? That you'll answer really truthfully."

"Sure. I guess."

"Why are you and Ray so secretive about each other? It's like you're trying to hide something, but at the same time deny there is anything to hide."

"It isn't about hiding, Abby. He's my friend."

"Am I not?"

"No, you are."

"I was just kind of under the impression we were a little closer than you and Ray."

"We were, but things change."

"What changed?"

"Would you like to go to dinner?"

"Ike's?" Abby smiled.

"Sure."

"Let me just sign out to Weaver. I'll be right back." Abby left the room and Neela walked back over to Ray's locker. She slowly pulled the piece of paper off and crumpled it in her hand. She dropped it in the trash can as she left the room.

--o--

"Ready to go?"

"Yup, let's get out of here."

"So, back to where we left off. What changed?" The two women wrapped their coats tighter around their bodies, fighting the wind.

"Abby, you know something about me, that I haven't told you."

"The marks on your—" Neela cut Abby off.

"Yes."

"Ok."

"Ray knows too."

"I know. You told me that when we were walking back from the restaurant."

"He knew before you did."

"Obviously."

"It's not something I like to broadcast."

"Understandable. Maybe I'm just being stupid, but I don't really see where this is going."

"He found out before you did, so he knows more than you do. If you'd found out first, he might not know at all. But the point is that he does know, and he did find out first."

"Once he knew, you confided in him."

"I guess so."

"I'm not mad at you Neela, you know that, right?"

"Now I do," Neela laughed. They approached the door of Ike's. After they sat down, Abby once again restarted the conversation.

"You needed someone to confide in. Ray knew and so it felt safe to talk to him, because no matter what, he would always know." Neela looked at her friend, trying to read her eyes, unsure of what to say. "Neela, dear, you are not the only one with secrets. I know what it's like. You know I don't drink. That wasn't something I broadcasted."

"Ok."

"No one expected me to talk to Carter about it first, but he was the first one to know."

"So you understand?"

"Yes!" Abby laughed. "I just didn't think Ray would have seen those marks unless the rumors are true…"

"What rumors?"

"That you slept with Ray."

"What?! No, I never slept with Ray!" She added in her mind, _well, technically, I did _sleep_ with him. Just not like that._

"Well, then how'd he see them?" Neela told Abby about the night Ray found out, giving as few details as possible. She declined to tell her friend the part about Ray sleeping in her bed that night, or what he whispered to her at the restaurant. "Oh."

"Yeah. I guess it was bound to happen eventually, living with him."

"Probably. So what does he do?"

"What?"

"The note you left on his locker you. _You do_. What does he do?"

"That I can't really tell you." Abby sighed.

"Ok. I understand. Is it a good thing?"

"Yeah. It's a good thing."

"Well, then I guess I'll drop it," Abby smiled as she spoke. "As much as I really want to know," Abby laughed.

"Thank you. And don't tell Sa—" Abby cut her friend off.

"I won't tell anyone Neela. Don't worry." Neela smiled and nodded.

"Ok. Thanks." The women sat down at the bar, and put their order in.

"So, about this date!" Neela groaned. "Did you really think I'd forget?"

"Honestly? No. But I can always hope!"

"Sorry, no such luck. Where'd you go?"

"This little place a few blocks down from Midnight. I think it was called The Chicago Grill, or The Grill of Chicago, or maybe just The Grill."

"Ok."

"We had dinner. It wasn't bad. We talked about trivial inconsequential things. And that's about it."

"Oh, come on now. What did you talk about?"

"He asked me about moving from England, and then why I live with Ray."

"And what did you tell him?"

"The truth. That I needed somewhere to live, and was having a hard time finding a place, and it happened that Ray was looking for a roommate. Why would I say anything different?"

"I don't know. Did he tell you anything about himself?"

"Yeah, where he went to school and stuff. It was really quite uninteresting, Abby, honest. He's a very nice guy, but…"

"But what?"

"I can't really explain it. It's not that I don't like him, I just don't like him enough to go out with him again."

"Maybe you should give him another chance. Now that you have all the boring things out of the way, you might talk about something interesting."

"I know what you mean, but I don't want to."

"Neela, you've said yourself that you wish you went out more. This is your chance."

"I know. But I don't want to date Andrew."

"As in you'd rather have him as your friend, or you don't want to date him, because you want to date someone else?"

"Both. Kind of."

"Who?!"

"Who what?" Neela asked, knowing exactly what Abby meant.

"Who do you want to date?"

"No one."

"Now that's just a lie, and you know it! You just said you did. So who is it?"

"I misspoke," she lied again.

"Ray?"

"What about him?"

"Is he why you don't want to go out with Andrew?"

"No. Not really."

"Because they know each other?" Abby prodded, ignoring Neela's negative answer.

"That contributes to it." The bartender placed their meals in front of them. "Thanks," Neela said, acknowledging the man.

"Anything else?" the bartender asked. Both women shook their heads. "Let me know if you want something later."

"Thanks," Abby replied. The bartender walked away, and Abby turned back to Neela. "So? What is it about Ray?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know, or you don't want to tell me?"

"Abby, if I knew, there would be no issue, ok?"

"What's the issue?"

"Andrew's this great guy, who likes me, and I like him. And I, like you said, wish I went out more, but there's just nothing that makes me want to go with him."

"Would you go with, say, Ray?"

"Probably. I have fun with him."

"That's because you know him. Give Andrew a chance."

"You're probably right," Neela conceded. "I'll call him."

Neela walked into the apartment, expecting it to be empty, since she knew Ray's shift ended later than hers. She was surprised to find him standing at the stereo, flipping through some records.

"You're home early," she exclaimed.

"Uh, no, you're home late. Where were you? I saw you leave the hospital."

"Oh. Heh, Abby and I went to dinner. I guess that would bring me home kind of late wouldn't it?"

"Most likely." He turned his attention back to the music. "Can you believe people used to listen to records all the time? It seems so weird, with tapes and CDs and everything now…"

"I guess," Neela laughed.

"I was just looking for something," Ray said hesitantly, feeling for some reason he should explain himself. "How was dinner?"

"It was fine. Ray, you had…never mind."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"C'mon. What were you going to say?"

"You had asked me a question, and I was going to answer it, but I just forgot the answer," she lied.

"Uh. Ok."

"I'm going to bed. G'night."

"'night" he replied, very confused.

--o--

Neela went out with Andrew again the next night. The evening was much like the first date, though this time, Andrew convinced Neela to dance before the meal came. When she got back to the apartment, she sighed as she dropped her keys on the table.

"How was it?" Ray asked from the couch.

"Alright."

"Just 'alright'? How come?" After the words came out of his mouth he mentally reprimanded himself _why would I want to know? I don't want to hear about it!_ She didn't know what to say. The first thing that came to mind was _because he isn't you_, but she couldn't bring herself to say that out loud. She collapsed on the couch, looking up at him. "Neela?"

"Hmm?"

"Everything ok?" She nodded. "Are you lying to me?" he asked, with a quiet laugh, not really expecting her to answer. She nodded again. "Care to elaborate?" She leaned her head on his shoulder.

"He asked me out again."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"It should be."

"Why isn't it?"

"Because I don't want to go."

"Then say no."

"I can't."

"Why? Actually, don't answer that. This is probably a conversation you should have with Abby."

"I have."

"Oh. I'm probably not going to give you very good advice."

"You might…" He laughed. "Maybe."

"Do you like him?"

"Yes."

"Does he like you?"

"I'm pretty sure, yes."

"I feel like a girl." She laughed. "But you don't want to go out with him again?"

"No."

"Because…" She didn't answer. "Is he nice to you?" She nodded. "Do you have fun with him?"

"Kinda."

"Does he make you happy?" She didn't answer again. "Neela? Does he make you happy?" She shook her head slowly. A part of Ray was pleased with this answer. It's not that he didn't want Neela to be happy, he did, he just didn't want it to be with Andrew. "Does anyone?" She nodded. "Who?" She once again did not answer. Her mind was screaming _you_, but again she couldn't say it. Instead, she stood up.

"Good night, Ray." He nodded.

"Yeah," he replied offhandedly, "you too."

--o--

Before Neela left the hospital the next evening, she again scrawled _you do_ on a piece of paper, and taped it to her roommate's locker. She hurried out of the room, before she changed her mind.

When Ray's shift was finally over he went into the locker room to get his things to leave. He was exhausted and more than ready to go. As he approached his locker he saw a piece of paper taped to the front. Puzzled, he pulled it off. Looking at the words did not help his confusion. _I do what?_ he thought. He studied the handwriting, concluding that it was Neela's, though with only two words to judge by, he wasn't quite sure. When he got home, he could hear the shower running. While he waited for her to finish, he wracked his brain to figure out what the words meant. _You do._ He found some food in the fridge, and made himself some dinner. _You do_.

"Ray?" He jumped. He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice Neela had not only finished in the shower, but she had also gotten dressed and was sitting across the table from him.

"Yeah?"

"Where were you?"

"Working…my shift ended after yours…"

"No, no, I mean just now. I said your name, like, six times."

"Oh. Just thinking."

"About what?"

"The note you left on my locker."

"What note?"

"It said _you do_. What do I do?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You seriously don't know what I'm talking about?" She looked at him, but didn't answer. "This isn't your handwriting?" He pulled the note out of his pocket, and tossed it across the table. She looked at it.

"Oh. Yeah. It is."

"What does it mean? What do I do?"

"You asked me a question last night that I didn't answer. That's the answer." He looked at her, clearly confused. "I was just coming out here to say good night. So, good night."

"No, wait. What question did I ask you?"

"Think about it."

"I have."

"Think harder. Good night."

"'night."

After Ray finished eating, he showered and got ready for bed. _You do._ He would have gone back to his room, but he noticed Neela's light was still on. He knocked on her door.

"Yeah?" she called from the other side of the door.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." He opened her door and stepped into the room.

"I've thought about it."

"Still haven't come up with it?"

"No. Can you please tell me?" She shook her head. "Ok…is it a good thing that I do?" She nodded. "Ok."

"It's something you've asked me a lot, Ray. And I've never answered."

"Ok."

"Think about it. You'll get it." He scowled. "Eventually." She smiled.

"Fine. Good night." Ray returned to his room and lay in bed unable to sleep, trying to figure out what it was that he did. _You do._ As he lay in bed it occurred to him. He looked at the clock. It read 1:24 AM. _She wouldn't tell me earlier, so it's her fault if I wake her up, _he thought. It was a little childish and unnecessarily vindictive, but he didn't care. He got up and knocked on Neela's door again. The light was off and she didn't answer. He knew she was almost certainly asleep, but he had to know. He knocked again, this time a little louder. He heard the sheets rustle a little.

"Yeah?" Neela answered groggily.

"Can I come in?"

"Ray, it's 1:30 in the morning."

"Just a quick question."

"Fine. What?" He opened the door, and stepped inside. He stood there a moment letting his eyes adjust to the low level of light in the room until he could see Neela clearly.

"I…I make you happy?" he asked tentatively. She nodded. She had answered his question, so after a brief pause of not knowing exactly what to do, he turned to leave.

"Ray?" He faced her again. "You don't have to go." He again wasn't sure what to do. She raised her arm and gestured for him to come over to her. Hesitantly he walked over to her bedside. She slid herself closer to the center, giving him room to lie down. He looked at her without moving. "Lie down." He nodded and obeyed, lying down on his back. She pressed herself against his side. "Ray," she whispered, looking up at him. He looked down at her. She kissed him lightly. "You make me happy."

"Good." He kissed her again.

"But," she started, averting her eyes.

"But what?" the pain he couldn't hide evident in his voice.

"It's not going to make me stop." He lifted her chin, so she was looking at him again.

"But will you let me help you? Try to help you?"

"No." She dropped her head again, to avoid looking at him.

"Why?"

"Nothing's changed for me, Ray. It's just that now you know what I've been thinking. That's all."

"Something's changed if you've finally said it. There's some reason you weren't saying it before."

"I was a coward. I tried to tell you before."

"But the fact of the matter is that you didn't before."

"Can you just accept what I am telling you?" She looked up at him, frustration burning in her eyes. "Nothing's changed."

"Fine. And I'd imagine you still don't know what needs to change." She shook her head sadly.

"You woke me up. I'm tired, and it's almost 2 AM."

"Alright, but that's not the end of this conversation."

"There's nothing else to say."

"I wasn't asking. Maybe there's nothing else for you, but there is for me."

"Good night, Ray."

"Good night, Neela." He sighed. They were quiet for a few minutes before Neela interjected one last comment.

"Ray, you piss me off like no other, but you do make me happy." He smiled.

--o--

The next morning they both woke up to Neela's alarm clock. Neela groaned and slapped the snooze alarm. Ray chuckled. She shushed him, making him laugh again. When the alarm went off seven minutes later, Ray turned it off and got up.

"So what else is there to say?" Neela asked as she walked into the kitchen where Ray sat with a bowl of cereal.

"Do you know what will make you stop?"

"No! How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"Ok, ok." He paused. "Would you tell me if you did know?"

"Maybe. I don't know. But it's kind of a moot point, because I don't."

"But you might figure it out."

"I've been trying to figure it out for the majority of my life, Ray. So, if I figure it out, yeah, I'll tell you. Don't hold your breath." He nodded sadly. "You have to understand, this _won't _ever end. It'll always be there. I need you to accept that as fact."

"It could end."

"No, Ray, listen to me. That's what no one seems to be able to do—accept it _and be able to look past it_."

"I don't judge you for it. I don't look at you differently because of it." She nodded. "I don't love you any less because of it. I just think that it won't always be there. I think it can permanently become a part of your past."

"No, Ray—" he cut her off.

"No, listen. That's what I think. That's what I want to believe. If that's not reality, that's fine. That's ok. But I can still hope can't I?"

"Yeah." She sighed, "you can." He smiled and stood up.

"You do want to stop, right?" He put his bowl in the sink, and turned to face her, leaning against the counter.

"Yes."

"You just feel like you can't?"

"I can't." Ray took a deep breath and prevented himself from arguing with her.

"You don't know why you do it, and you don't know how to stop?"

"No."

"No, you don't know, or no, that is an incorrect statement?"

"The statement is correct."

"But I make you happy?" She stood in front of him, placing her hands around the back of his neck.

"Yeah, and that's what really counts," she smiled. "You make me happy."

* * *

R.E.V.I.E.W.S. -- **R**ealistically, **E**ven **V**ague **I**nsights **E**licit **W**anted **S**crutiny 

Thanks for reading, and please review--good, bad, or indifferent! Seriously, I like reviews of all types!


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